Big mutha
by Naz2k3
Summary: Chapter 5 posted!(finally)
1. The gathering

Big mutha!  
  
Disclaimer- anything in the fic I don't own, including the name Voldie (that was Marauder girls idea).  
  
Hi y'all! I'm most famous for ff8 game show fics, but what the hell! This is a Harry fic!.  
  
Divina- Welcome to the big mutha Hogwarts castle! Over the next few weeks our favourite wizards and witches are gonna stay in here without any contact with the outside world! The winner will receive 100,000,000 galleons! Let's meet the contestants!.  
Harry- Do I have to read that?  
Divina- ( looking very scary) Yes.  
Harry- O.K, I'm the resident dweeby hero with stupid specs.  
Ron- 100 million galleons...(faints)  
Hermione- I have recently discovered...  
Black- I'm Harry's godfather and an attempted murderer.  
Lupin- I'm a werewolf and the most recent DADA* teacher.  
(*defence against dark arts.)  
Malfoy- I could buy myself that 100 million.  
Minerva- Do your homework!  
Snape- Detention Weasley!.  
Ron-(waking up) What for?  
Snape- I don't know...  
Voldie- You will all die!  
Divina- No we wont.  
Voldie- Why not?  
Divina- Coz' Naz2k2 wouldn't allow it!  
Voldie- Damn!  
Divina- You are allowed one suitcase full of possessions, what the...(looks up at Voldies bag and it is as almost as tall as the castle itself.) What's in that?  
Voldie- My poster collection of me and a pair of power rangers underwear!  
Harry-Ewww!  
Divina- Anyway, get into the castle, the people are turning over!  
  
One good review will get me to write the next chapter. 


	2. The fitting in

Chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own anything! Nobody has any right to sue me now! Mwuhahahahahahahahahahah cough, hack hack..........sorry 'bout that.  
  
Authors note- I've bin aways fer three weeks and I found 10 good reviews! Even one from that annoying sod from school! Also I am very freaked out by the review about snapes underwear (?).  
  
Nine contestants  
Seven weeks  
One castle  
  
Day one in the Big Mutha house and the contestants are fitting in well........ b****x!  
  
( Master bedroom)  
Harry- I'm having this bedroom!  
Malfoy- No I am!  
Harry- I'm the Hero!  
Malfoy- I'm dead rich!  
Harry- I'm more popular!  
Malfoy- I have parents!  
Harry- (sniff) I got here first!  
Malfoy- Who cares?  
Harry- Me!  
Malfoy- Well you're a gay little camel f*****g dweeby orphan!  
( Harry runs off crying like a little girl)  
Malfoy- Hehehehe!  
  
Meanwhile......  
  
Voldie- It's been two minutes and I haven't killed or tortured anybody! I'm gonna go insane!  
Minerva- Voldie, you are insane.  
Voldie- Oh yeah...  
  
( In the kitchen)  
  
Sirius- WOOHOO! UNLIMITED FOOD!(starts munching away)  
  
(In the library)  
  
Hermione- hmm... that's interesting!   
  
Bit longer this time folks! And if I get one more review about Snape's underwear, Snape will be gotten rid of! Mwuhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha(breath) hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! 


	3. Task at hand, well, foot actually.

Chapter 3  
  
Disclaimer- Can't be arsed, read it on the other chapters.  
  
Authors note- WHOOHOO! NO SNAPE UNDERWEAR REVIEWS! Snape can stay, that is, if he can survive the eviction...  
  
Dobby- (Knitting furiously)Now Harry has discovered microsecond pizza he has never looked twice at me. "Oooh, they are so scrumptious and easy to make" Well, if he doesn't want my pizzas, he can have my odd socks, every Christmas, every birthday, every Wednesday! HEEHEEHEEHEE!  
What will Dobby do no you've discovered Microsecond.  
  
Nomination and challenge episode.  
  
Nine contestants  
Five and a half weeks  
One castle and a quidditch pitch  
  
Day three  
(The contestants wake up in their beds with a few surprises...)  
Master Bedroom  
  
Malfoy- (wakes up and yawns) I love a good nights sleep!  
Hermione- (lying next to him) Yeah me too.  
(look at each other in surprise)  
Both- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!  
  
Boys Room  
  
Sirius- (wakes up and yawns) I love a good nights sleep!  
Minerva- (lying next to him) Yeah me too.  
(look at each other in surprise)  
Both- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!  
  
Big Mutha- This is Big Mutha, please will Remus Lupin come to the diary hall and receive details of this weeks task.  
(Lupin goes to the diary hall)  
Big Mutha- Hello Lupin.  
Lupin- Hi Big Mutha!  
Big Mutha- Here are the details of this weeks task...  
(Some time later, Lupin returns.)  
Great Hall  
  
Lupin- Hi!  
Everybody else- Hi Lupin!  
(The two 'couples' are sat as far away from each other as possible)  
Lupin- Big Mutha has given me the details of our task, it is... for all of us to stand one legged for ten hours on end!  
Harry- WHAT!  
Sirius- That's crazy!  
Lupin- We have to start in ten minutes!  
(twenty minutes later)  
Voldie- I'm gonna win!(pushes Harry over)  
Harry- We all lost now you idiot!  
Minerva- Harry, how could you do such a thing!  
Harry- What?  
Sirius- Yeah, I thought you were decent!  
Harry- I didn't do anything!  
Ron- That's it, our friendship is over!  
Harry- It was Voldie!  
Lupin- I thought I could trust you!  
Harry-......  
  
Nominations!  
  
Sirius- Harry and Minerva  
Lupin- Harry and Voldie  
Ron- Harry and Malfoy  
Hermione- Harry and Malfoy  
Minerva- Harry and Sirius  
Malfoy- Harry and Hermione  
Voldie- Stop calling me that!  
Big Mutha- No!  
Voldie- Tch fine! Harry and Sirius  
Harry- Voldie and Malfoy  
  
The nominees are:  
  
Harry with 8 votes  
Malfoy with 3 votes  
Sirius with 2 votes  
  
Remember, your vote decides, I will leave it 2 days then the one with the most votes is outta there! Remember, Snapes underwear + review = p****d of Naz2k2 + booted out Snape. 


	4. Loss of two

Chapter 4  
  
Disclaimer- Who cares?  
  
Authors note- It may have been a joke Bruce, but that was about Snapes underwear so he's outta there!(also me make major cock-up last episode! I sorry, me no English good!)  
  
(footage of Hermione scribbling furiously for about fifteen seconds) See, you'll watch anything! Don't watch rubbish, get the Daily prophet magic TV magazine.  
  
Eviction  
  
Nine contestants  
Five weeks  
One castle,a quidditch pitch and the hogwarts grounds.  
  
Day 7  
  
Big Mutha- This is Big Mutha, due to concerns of Scottish superstar and the annoying sod at school, we have not noticed Snape is missing and would like to know where he is. We have suspicions that Ron, Harry, Hermione and Sirius are behind this.  
Ron- Uh-oh!  
Harry- Crap!  
Hermione- Dammit!  
Sirius- Busted!  
Big Mutha- Where is Snape?  
Harry- In the cupboard...  
Big Mutha- Well go get him then!  
(A few minutes later, Snape strides in)  
Snape- Thank you Big Mutha!  
Big Mutha- Don't be grateful, I have had too many reviews about your underwear so you will be evicted as well as the normal evictee.  
Snape- Nooooooooooooooooo(breath)oooooooooooooooo!  
Harry, Ron, Hermione and Sirius- WOOHOO!  
Big Mutha- You have ten minutes to pack and leave or we will boot you and your belongings out of a sixth floor window.  
Snape- Shit...  
  
Hogwarts Grounds, ten minutes later...  
  
(A beautiful picture of Hogwarts and the great lake, Suddenly)  
Snape-(flying out of sixth floor window)WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
(Splash! Snape lands in great lake)  
Snape- Whew, I'm safe (tentacle pulls Snape under) Noooooo! Glug, glug.  
  
Great Hall  
  
Big Mutha- Will everyone please gather in the Great hall.  
(everyone gathers, looking bored)  
Big Mutha- Because you all look bored you are allowed to have access to the grounds and the quidditch pitch...  
Harry&Malfoy- WooHoo!  
Big Mutha- And because of the recent loss of Snape, I am putting three annoying game characters up 4 the readers to vote!  
All- Awww...  
Big Mutha- Go now.  
All- Okay...  
  
Library, half an hour later...  
  
Hermione-(glancing up from book) Voldie?! What are you doing here?  
Voldie- Errrrm, reading a cook book?  
Hermione- That's the dark arts section! I should report you to Big Mutha!  
Big Mutha- No need, I saw you!  
Voldie-(to Hermione) tell tale...  
Hermione- Waaahaaahaaa  
Big Mutha- Now you made Hermione cry!  
Voldie- Tch...  
  
Great Hall, that night.  
  
Big Mutha- Everybody get into the great hall! Eviction time!  
(everyone gathers)  
Big Mutha- Can't be bothered with the suspense thing, so with two out of three votes, Harry is out!  
Everyone apart from Harry- Woohoo!  
Harry- What!? I'm the main character!  
Big Mutha- So?  
Harry- Damn...  
(Harry is kicked out, Blah blah, The end of chapter 4!)  
  
Sorry MG, Bruce and Chris voted personally for Harry.  
Votes for the annoying housemates!  
  
This collection is not from HP, but assorted games!  
  
Navi the fairy from Zelda, Ocarina of time!  
Selphie Tilmitt from Final Fantasy Eight!  
Yuffie Kisaragi from Final Fantasy Seven!  
  
Remember, Big Mutha is currently having a bath so she is not watching you! 


	5. Big gain, Big loss!

Chapter 5!!!  
  
Disclaimer- just read chapter bloody one!  
  
Author's note- You are all in for a hell of a surprise!  
  
Introduction of the new inmate, challenge and nomination episode!!!!  
  
Navi- Hey!  
Passer by- What?  
Navi- Stop! Look! Listen!  
Passer by- okay...(crosses road)  
Navi- LOOK OUT!  
(SPLAT!)  
Navi- OOPS!  
Navi's green cross code, follow it!  
  
10 Contestants?  
8 weeks?  
One castle, a quidditch pitch, hogwarts grounds and Hagrids hut?  
  
Day 8 10.30 am  
  
(Ron, Hermione, Sirius and Lupin have all met in the Gryffindor common-room)  
Ron- Hey! Harry forgot his firebolt!  
Lupin- Excellent!  
Hermione- Great! That selfish B****** wouldn't let me have a go!  
Sirius- No offence Hermione, but you are absoloutely S*** at flying!  
Hermione- Awwww...  
Ron- Anyway, why don't we have a rota? I borrow it for 2 days, then Hermione and so on and so fourth.  
Sirius-Yeah!  
  
Day 8 12.57 pm  
  
Big Mutha- Will everyone please gather in the girls toilet.  
All boys- WTF?  
Big Mutha- ... I mean Great Hall...  
All- OH!  
  
Day 8 01.00 pm  
Great Hall  
  
Minerva- (to Lupin) What do you think's happening?  
Lupin- I don't know.  
(Malfoy and Voldie are huddled in a corner, plotting something...)  
Sirius- What do ya think they are up to?  
Ron- Beats me.  
Big Mutha- I have gathered you here to introduce to not one, but three new housemates!  
Ron- What!?!  
Big Mutha- Please welcome Selphie Tilmitt...  
Selphie- TEDDY BEARS!!!  
Big Mutha- Yuffie Kisaragi...  
Yuffie- Materia, must steal materia...  
Big Mutha- Aaaaaaaaaaaand Navi!  
Navi- Hey! Stop! Spoon!(flies towards spoon)  
Malfoy- Oh the insanity!  
Hermione- Great Merciful Christ!  
Voldie- Stop calling meVoldie!  
Big Mutha- No!  
Sirius- S*** me...  
  
Day 9 6.30 am  
Boys dormitory  
  
(The boys are seriously P***** off, they have been awake ALL night. They could not sleep due to Navi's recital of the green cross code over and over and over..._  
Ron- SHUT UP NAVI!  
Navi- Stop! Look! Listen!  
Lupin- There are no bloody roads to cross!  
Navi- Stop! Look! Listen!  
Sirius- Can't you say anything else?  
Navi- Yes!  
(Boys slap foreheads)  
  
Day 9 7.00 am  
Girls Dormitory  
  
(The fact that we confiscated all of her teddies has taken it's toll on her...)  
Selphie- Mr. Bear? Gone? Where are you?  
Hermione- Shut up Selphie, HEY! WHERE'S MY BOOKS?  
Yuffie- Sorry, I couldn't help it! It's in my nature!  
Minerva- Well, try to stop it!  
  
Day 9 4.55 pm  
Great Hall  
  
(Everybody is there)  
Navi- Stop! Look! Listen!  
Selphie- Nooo! Mr. Bear!  
Yuffie- Stupid bloody magical burglar alarm...  
Voldie- Please! Someone stop the madness!  
Ron- I'm going insane!  
  
Day 10 12.00pm  
  
Big Mutha- Will Ron please report to the diary room for this weeks task.  
(Ron enters)  
Big Mutha- Hello Ron.  
Ron- Buzz  
Big Mutha- Ron?  
Ron- Buzzz  
Big Mutha- What happened?  
Ron- Buzzzz!  
Big Mutha- If you are insane, Buzz!  
Ron- Buzzz?  
Big Mutha- Get out!  
Ron- Buzz.  
  
Day 10 12.10pm  
  
Big Mutha- Will anyone sane PLEASE come to the diary room!  
Great Hall  
  
Ron- Up!  
Hermione- Right!  
Sirius- Phone a friend?  
Lupin- 50/50?  
Minerva- Ask the audience?  
Malfoy- Wrong answer!  
Voldie- You are the weakest link,  
Navi- Goodbye!  
Big Mutha- Your new challenge, BE SANE! ... dammit...  
  
Nominations  
  
Ron- Malfoy, Buzz, Voldie  
Hermione- Malfoy, Voldie  
Sirius- Malfoy, Voldie  
Lupin- Malfoy, Voldie  
Minerva- Malfoy, Voldie  
Voldie- Ron, Hermione  
Malfoy- Ron, Hermione  
Navi- Ron! Lupin!  
Selphie- Where is Mr.Bear?  
Yuffie- Hermione, Minerva  
  
Count-  
  
Malfoy- 5  
Voldie- 5  
Hermione- 3  
Ron- 3  
Minerva + Lupin- 1  
  
It is official, Malfoy and Voldie are the nominees!  
Remember, if ya gonna review, VOTE FOR CRAP SAKE, VOTE! 


End file.
